Ever feel like it's easier to know what you don’t want than what you do? Turns out, that's not a flaw - it's a tool.
by Jude Tipper
“What d’ya fancy to eat tonight?”
Well, I don’t want pizza.
“Where shall we go on holiday?”
Not Spain again. And I don’t want a long flight.
“What sort of dress are you after for that work event?”
Certainly nothing that has the girls on show…
It’s human nature. Someone asks us what we want, need or like and we respond in the negative. We know what we don’t want and it’s usually easier to intuitively articulate than pondering on what we do want.
I’ve come to realise this is a really helpful technique when you’re trying to work out who you are and what matters to you – really matters to you. Your values.
Fancy being a bit negative with me? Then read on.
Let’s just set some context.
What are values and why nail them?
I’ve been banging on about the importance of knowing your personal values for some time. I’ve written about it, given presentations on the topic and been lucky enough to encourage others through the process.
Personal values ground you. They help you become the most authentic version of yourself both in your personal life and at work too. You bring your whole self to work; you don’t leave behind what’s important to you and what shaped you.
As communicators we also carry a responsibility to ensure our comms are value-based – regardless of what we’re being asked to communicate and to who. So, we have no choice but to bring ourselves into our work, if we’re to do it well and do it with heart.
I’m not going to provide an exact definition of personal values - I believe values are personal and so too, therefore, is their very definition. Besides, there is no one universally agreed definition.
However, what is consistent in attempts to define them is that values reflect what’s important to you and way you choose to live and to work.
And values are continuously reflected in how we behave and in our actions. This bit’s really important – the idea of values being manifested by actions. It’s not just an image you’re trying to project.
Everyone’s got stuff they say they value. How often have you heard, for example, that someone values transparency and yet they’re the worst for keeping things from you? Or someone values respect but they routinely behave disrespectfully in meetings? Your actions must always match your words.
Also, be warned, if you don’t choose your values, others will choose them for you.
But never just aspire to someone else. All too often we strive to be like those we admire. But the way you choose to act must be deeply rooted in who you are and what truly matters to you.
If you don’t make an active and conscious choice, you’ll find that you just passively adhere to a blend of the values of those around you. You can get lost in other people’s values. That’s how we become dependent on our colleagues, friends, family, or partners to define us.
Finding your values is all about accepting yourself exactly as you are. It’s looking in a mirror and being comfortable in your own skin; however stretched, saggy and baggy life may have made it. (I’m sure you have lovely skin, dear reader, it’s likely just mine that’s saggy.)
So, for me, values are about your authenticity, about what’s important to you – not just what you say is important - and they manifest themselves in your day-to-day behaviour.
How do you find your values?
Self-reflection is, of course, key. You have to be able to think about what you stand for, what matters most to you. Because if you’re not self-reflective, how can you truly know yourself? And if you don't know yourself, how can you lead yourself? Let alone others.
Now, I routinely duck out of giving a definition of personal values. I also duck out of giving an exact method of self-reflection to unearth them. (Sorry!) This too is personal. What works for one person, won’t work for another – we have different preferences for this kind of thing.
I’m always happy to pass on tips and tricks but there’s one method I’ve found that seems to universally resonate: being negative.
Physical reaction
Honestly, I struggled to articulate my values. It took me a long time and, truth be told, was kinda uncomfortable. (Be prepared if you embark on the same journey! But, I promise, it’s worth it.)
I’d been having some excellent coaching around that time and this led to my eureka moment.
I’d spoken a lot about difficult situations, difficult people and how this was holding me back – and, critically, why I reacted the way I did whenever I felt like the very essence of me was under attack.
I struck upon this notion that my values are my anchors. They’re what hold me firm when it gets a bit rough.
I thought about those times when I felt really uncomfortable and clung to my anchor. What was it I was clinging to? What was it that I was stubbornly refusing to budge on?
You may not feel able to articulate your values right now, but I bet, like me, you feel it when they’re challenged.
Being in conflict with your values has a massive impact on your behaviour and huge detrimental impact on your emotional state. When you’re in conflict you will, quite literally, feel it in your gut.
Your fists may be balling, your toes curling, your eyes twitching.
Anger is a sign your values have been challenged. Boundaries being broken is basically your values being stepped upon.
Flip it and reverse it
Yes, ok, I just quoted Missy Elliot. But it’s exactly what I want you to do – it’ll help you identify your values. Rather than focussing on those times you were happy, aligned, felt joy and purpose – flip it.
Reverse it.
Think about the times you didn’t. Look at it in the negative.
Look at those moments of supreme anger, frustration, upset, confusion - what’s happening?
Replay a situation – think less about the detail of what was happening and more about how it made you feel. Did you have a physical reaction? What behaviours were on show that got to you? Was it a lack of respect, dishonesty, malice, conceit, greed? What was it making your fists ball and your tummy flip?
Another way to be negative is to think about the sort of people you don’t get on with, the people who you know immediately you’re just not going to gel with – they’re not your tribe. For example, I place no value on traditional notions of success. It bores me to hear about fancy holidays, expensive meals or flash cars and that tells me something about my own values-base. There’s nothing at all wrong with it, it’s just not for me.
That’s what’s important in all this, finding out who you are. What riles you? What gets you angry? What upsets you? What do you always fall back on - what’ are your anchors?
It might seem a bit of a negative way to come at it and unearth your values but, trust me, it works.
And use this to think about your future, not just reflect on the past. Where don’t you want to work? Who don’t you want to work with? What don’t you want to do? What don’t you want to be known for?
You’ll find you can answer these questions pretty quickly and intuitively. Then just flip it – if that’s what you don’t want and don’t like, what does it mean you do? What’s the opposite? If this is the yin, what’s your yang? What, then, are your values?
To recap:
Step 1: Identify moments that made you uncomfortable, upset or angry.
Step 2: Reflect on the specific actions or attitudes that triggered you.
Step 3: Flip these triggers to help determine the values they violated.
Turbulent waters
You might be thinking this is all fluffy mumbo-jumbo and I’m a fool. Why do you want to spend precious time being negative in order to work out who you are?
Honestly, because it will help you navigate future turbulent waters. Once you truly know what your values are – your anchors – you’ll better cope with the rough seas that come with storms.
I’ve hit inclement weather, both in and outside of work…haven’t we all? A particular storm near the start of my career very nearly destroyed me. The very essence of who I am was questioned and I didn’t cope well with it. I was defensive, hurt, bewildered and completely tossed about in the turbulence.
I couldn’t comprehend how to react, how to keep my head high. I could feel that my values were compromised but had no way of articulating it, and it affected me for years. It held me back.
Fast forward to after I’d spent the time articulating what my values were – after I’d done the hard work on myself. Another storm, another challenge.
But this time, I remained anchored by not just what I felt but what I could articulate: my values of integrity, empathy and kindness.
What was happening was not truthful (clashing with my fundamental need for integrity), the full impact to everyone caught up in the storm was not being considered (zero empathy) and it was certainly as unkind as could be. I was thrown into direct conflict with my values yet, because I knew what they were, I was able to stay still. To always see the horizon.
Importantly, anchoring myself with my values also helped me to respond with them – to always maintain my own integrity, empathy and, above all, kindness. (Kindness is too often confused with niceness and can be seen as a weak option and yet, it is the most remarkable test of strength, to remain kind.)
And I came out the other side genuinely stronger, proud and more resilient. And I was still me. And it was my values that had anchored me and stopped the sway.
Final thought
In a world that pushes us to focus on the positive, remember that our negative reactions have great value too. By using them as a mirror, you can uncover your deepest-held values and stay anchored in your authenticity, no matter what storms come your way.
Before I go and work out what I fancy eating tonight (definitely not pizza), a final thought:
There are a myriad of different ways to find out what your values are, to sort through the endless lists and land on the very essence of you. Being negative is just one trick in the box that might help you get there – and it’s not something I’ve seen often written or talked about which is why I thought I would share it. Just in case it helps someone.
Special thanks go to some wonderful Unpluggers (those who have felt the magic of Comms Unplugged), whose campfire chats helped me realise that this negative method is, in fact, supremely helpful. When I shared it there it seemed to strike a chord.
But we’ve got busy jobs, busy lives. We need to continually learn and develop to keep pace with the changing world of comms. Why spend time on this?
Sure, be the best, master every comms discipline, become an expert. What we know matters.
But who we are matters more.
Jude Tipper is deputy head of communications and engagement at NHS England.
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