“Well-liked and popular”. My 7-year-old daughter’s school report has documented this for a couple of years running. It’s also said she’s very kind.
by Jude Tipper
The kindness comments made my heart swell whereas the comments about being well-liked and popular just made me breathe a sigh of relief.
And that bothered me. Relieved. Was that really the right reaction? Or is because it’s ingrained in us from an early age – the need to be well-liked? The importance of being popular.
Career choice impacts here too. I’d argue that communicators need to be well-liked and popular, we work hard at it; we need people to warm to us and trust us so we can get the job well done.
Musical theatre haters, look away now, I’m gonna quote Wicked lyrics:
“To think of
Celebrated heads of state
Or specially great communicators.
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!
They were popular!
Please!
It's all about popular
It's not about aptitude
It's the way you're viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popular.”
Or, if you want a different communicator’s cultural reference point, Tupac Shakur once said:
“You gotta be able to smile through the bullshit”.
It’s true, we do.
Do you feel it, the need to be popular and well-liked? Or are you one of the few who can genuinely say they don’t determine self-worth on how other people view them?
Not gonna lie, it’s taken me a while. Well, 45 years to be exact. But I’ve finally got somewhere.
And it turns out I’d been looking at it all wrong.
Look other way
As a kid, I struggled to fit in. I could never quite find my ‘tribe’; I always seemed to be on the edges and it made me an easy target for bullies.
My lovely, wise mum would advise me again and again:
“If people don’t like you, they can look the other way.”
It’s a good manta and one that still echoes when I feel I ought to apologise for being opinionated, unladylike or simply taking up space in a way people don’t like. And there are always people who don’t like it. Who don’t like me.
And that’s ok. You’re never going to be liked by everyone; we all know this. I’m hardly serving up wisdom you’re not already aware of.
Yet I’ve always chased the improbable notion of being one of those people who genuinely doesn’t care what others think of me. I’ve been seeking that nirvana. If only I could reach that state, then I would be free; free of self-doubt, free from questioning self-worth, free to be me.
Over the years, I thought I’d grown up and away from the anxious, nervous kid who pinned so much on what people thought of me, on whether I was well-liked. But all it takes is a touch of unkindness, difficult family or workplace bitching and I’d be back there. Miserable and with zero self-worth.
Interestingly, research has shown that those who grow up with low self-esteem will carry on stubbornly holding the opinion that they have no worth even in the face of success. (A lesson for those of us with small people we can guide; make sure the kid(s) around you place high value on their self-esteem.)
Anyway, there I was, still clinging on to the hope that, one day, I would achieve not caring what others thought; the freedom of disinterest.
Authenticity
I’m all about being your authentic, true self. I’ll happily witter on to anyone who’ll listen about the importance of personal values because I genuinely believe it makes a difference to how you live, how you behave and how you work. It also helps you understand how you react when someone is in direct opposition of your own values.
Yet, at the back of my mind was the niggling doubt – even if I’m living my values and being the authentic me – what if people still don’t like me?
Current popular opinion seems to be that caring what other people think isn’t good for you. You’ll find as many self-confident memes or Insta hashtags as you like on this. Yet isn’t the solution of not caring at all also quite unhealthy?
It’s repeatedly pushed; be the non-conformist rebel who luxuriates in your own confidence and doesn’t rely on opinion or the notion of popularity.
If people don’t like you, they can look the other way. Right?
But you know what I’ve finally realised? It’s not achievable. No matter how hard I try I do still care what people think of me. But I’ve also realised that opinion is not equal.
I’m going to go back to my wise mum and the other phrase she taught me to cling on to when not-very-nice people were being, well, not-very-nice:
“I’d be worried if you did like me.”
Yep. If you think someone is a dick, then why care what they think of you? She most likely nicked this concept from another wise philosopher…
In Plato’s dialogue, Socrates says to Crito that that we should not regard the opinion of the majority – the unwise - but only the opinions of those who are wise or knowledgeable.
So, only take the opinions of those that matter to you. Seems straightforward. But let’s take that up a notch.
Hierarchy
Dr Fredric Neumann suggests that you actually need to establish a hierarchy of opinion – you need not take on everyone’s opinions but be mindful of the ones that do matter. He says it looks like this:
immediate family: spouses, children, and parents (probably in that order)
bosses and close friends (should matter a lot, although not as much as family)
colleagues and neighbours (should matter somewhat less)
acquaintances (should not matter very much)
people you encounter in the street or casually at a party (should not matter at all)
This makes loads more sense to me than the catch-all notion – my unachievable nirvana – of not caring what anyone thinks of you.
I find it interesting that bosses are second on his list, alongside close friends. It shows just how important it is to get that management and leadership relationship right, to give people who work with you the most honest advice and opinion. I often fall back on Brene Brown here: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
I have always listened to any clear feedback I am given by a manager but, importantly, only taken on board feedback from managers I respect.
An exceptional manager I once had advised me that people who work for you don’t actually need to like you, but they do need to respect you.
I’ve worked hard on being a leader who can be respected – by staying true to my values – and tried to care less if everyone I work with actually likes me. At the end of the day, they don’t really know me; they know a workplace version of me.
The very best managers and colleagues get to know the real you (when you allow them to) and then, yes, I do place high value on their opinion. If I’m acting like a stubborn fool (stubbornness is my downfall) then I trust them to tell me as much as I trust a close friend to.
Difference
Of course, everyone’s hierarchy will look a little different and it’s probably worth your time working out what it is for you.
A toxic family can lead to the opinions of your close friends holding more weight for you than relatives. And if you’re self-employed, then you’re your own boss so perhaps professional peers move up higher?
I’ve since worked out my own hierarchy of opinion and can honestly say it’s totally shifted my mindset on whether I am well-liked. I want to be popular amongst the top tier of my hierarchy, I’m no longer interested in the lower tiers. When challenged, I run this through in my head and am now better able to shrug off unkindness or bitching.
Hold yourself to account
Caring less according to your own hierarchy is fine and good but you still need to have a way of measuring your likeability; you’ve still got to earn it. For me, this is where values come in – front and centre.
You can’t go around pissing people off just because their opinions about you don’t matter to you. But if you have a clear understanding of what does matter to you - your values – then other people’s opinions, whether they’re invited or not, feel less like judgements and more like a helpful gauge on your continued personal development.
So, check your behaviour through the lens of other people – at all levels of your opinion hierarchy – and hold yourself to account for their reactions.
Focus less on whether they like you and more on whether you like you.
Damn, I’m getting deep here. I’ll wind it up as I’m beginning to sound like a pseudo counsellor. This was only meant to be a reflective piece on how I’ve up-ended my thinking – not the click-bait ‘how to guide’ my post title may have tricked you into.
Up-ended
My up-ending has led me to accept I’ll never be one of those people who doesn’t care what others think and, actually, it wouldn’t be that freeing anyway. There will always be people who like me and people who, sometimes irrationally, don’t.
As Dr Neuman puts it, “
“Some people have a vested interest in thinking you are deficient. They will think you are in the wrong no matter what you do. But others will take one look at you and approve. They will admire you for things you take for granted. Try to find these people.”
I’m lucky I’ve already found these people, amongst my friends and colleagues. It’s something I never took for granted but perhaps overlooked in my quest to stop caring what others thought.
Not caring was, all along, entirely unachievable. I’ve wasted a lot of time and unhappiness trying to work this out so I hope these ramblings maybe help someone else look at things in a different way.
I’m proud my daughter is well-liked and popular but I’m no longer relieved. In time, she’ll establish her own hierarchy of opinion and hopefully not spend her life trying to stop caring what other people think.
I’ve already quoted some wise philosophers and doctors so may as well finish with my daughter’s favourite, Dr Suess:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Jude Tipper is head of communications profession and assistant head of strategic programme marketing communications at NHS Digital. You can say hello to her on Twitter at @JudeTipper
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